Breakups are hard. Getting your heart broken is hard. It’s not just hard, but it can be extremely painful. I personally went through an extremely painful breakup from an emotionally abusive relationship & never thought that I was going to be able to feel normal again. I’m here to tell you that it IS possible! Not only possible to move on, but possible to turn it into an empowering experience.
This is a topic that I debated on writing about. Frankly, I wish I could delete the memory of this relationship & person from my mind forever and never speak of it again. I also didn’t want to be disrespectful to my current relationship in any way, so I kept putting off this blog topic. Then I came across this picture while scrolling on Instagram:
When I saw the picture, it reminded me of what my ex-boyfriend used to tell me. My first reaction was to chuckle, but it brought me back to the time when I was going through the breakup. Then it hit me that there are some women (& men) who are currently in an emotionally abusive relationship like I was. Maybe currently hearing these things from the person they love. Maybe someone is trying to muster up the courage to leave the relationship, or maybe they are trying to heal the open wounds of a breakup.
If that is you, I want to assure you that everything will be okay. It can feel so hard and the pain can be unimaginable in the moment, but I’m here to tell you that you are going to get through this!
I’m here to tell you I know how painful it is & yes, you can find love again. The love that you deserve. Not only that, but It is possible to turn that PAIN into POWER.
It may be hard & painful right now, but I wanted to share some of my tips that helped me get through the difficult time. How I was able to turn the experience into an empowering experience & ultimately find love again.
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LET YOURSELF GO THROUGH THE GRIEF PROCESS.
The number one thing that I do not recommend is continuing to suppress your emotions. Allow yourself to go through the process of working through the emotions. Yes- this means allowing yourself to feel pain for a while. It might be uncomfortable, but trust me, it will be so worth it in the end.
What I had to learn was to let myself feel the emotion that came to surface at every moment. The rollercoaster of emotions every day, throughout the day was crazy. I would be doing homework & randomly felt like I had to cry. So I did. I think often we feel guilty for feeling this way. “You should be happy that you’re not in that situation anymore!” Well, yes. But the emotional damage is real & it doesn’t heal overnight.
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Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Cry when you need to, scream into a pillow, do what you feel like you need to do.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME.
I remember wanting to get everything figured out in the moment. I wanted to erase everything from my phone & memory right away, but it ended up being way too painful & hard. I was grieving & still trying to process everything so it made the whole process just so much more difficult.
One day my mom told me “You don’t have to have everything figured out right now.” I didn’t feel ready to delete all of the pictures off my phone or give away the jewelry he got me. So, I approached those things when I was ready to deal with them. About 2-3 months after the breakup I deleted all the pictures off of my phone & completely cleared him off of my social media accounts. Now I’m selling the jewelry he got me! I think that piece of advice my mom gave me was very important. It is important to make sure you are dealing with certain things when you are ready to do so. That definitely helped me not feel completely overwhelmed.
DON’T GO THROUGH THIS ON YOUR OWN.
Trying to work through this all by yourself can feel very isolating & ultimately not good for your mental health. We as humans need to be able to talk to someone to be able to work through our emotions. Plus, it makes the situation feel a little bit less painful.
- Talk to friends/family
- Go to counseling
I talked to my mom often, I reached out to friends & I also went to counseling every week for a while. Do whatever you feel like you need to do to be able to move forward. Everyone is different & each situation is different so this will look different from person to person & situation to situation.
Whatever you do, please don’t try to get through this on your own!
JOURNAL & JOURNAL OFTEN.
I talk about this a lot, but it’s just something that I think can be very beneficial. I would journal every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. It just helped me organize my thoughts and ended up being very important for my healing.
Related: The Power of Journaling
REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I always say that the very first thing that gets put on the backburner when we need it most is self care. Self care gets put on the back burner because we desire comfort. We’re tired & the last thing we want to do is practice self care.
Especially in the beginning, all I wanted to do was lay in bed eating ice cream most of the waking hours. While I think it’s important to do what you feel like you need to do in the moment, it’s also important to not let yourself stay in that position for a long time.
Related: How to improve your mindset
Start small & slow with integrating healthy habits in your daily routine again. Maybe start with at least spending 30 mins outside per day, getting in a light workout, drinking some water, washing your face at night. At least doing SOMETHING to take care of yourself everyday is going to make you feel so much better!
Small habits will eventually add up! It may be difficult at first, but starting somewhere will ultimately go a long way.
If you would like a resource, I highly recommend checking out Everything Is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo. This book revolves around the phrase, “Everything Is Figureoutable”. Meaning, no matter where you are in life, what situation you are currently in, no matter how sucky or sad, it is figureoutable.
FINDING LOVE AGAIN.
You will know when you are ready to jump back into the dating game again. But, what I wasn’t ready for was all of the emotions from my past to come back once I started again. I hadn’t felt those emotions in a LONG time, from when I was in the bad relationship. I could feel myself pulling back & naturally just wanting to retract, protect myself & not fall for the same mistake again. It was really hard, harder than I expected. It took a lot of time & patience for me to get to the point where I’m at now.
Updated note: Since writing this post, I am happy to report that I have married the man that healed my heart!
Finding love again is possible. But, you have to fight for yourself first. You have to let yourself feel the pain, so you can grow and eventually turn that pain in power. Power over your own life & your own happiness. It’s hard & at times you might feel like giving up. It’s OK! You’re not alone & you are not “crazy” for feeling how you feel. You do what you need to do to get to where you need to be. It takes time & it takes patience. Most importantly, it takes choosing yourself over anything else first.
The most important thing that I got from this experience is my strength and power over my life. It taught me a lot of lessons and I can’t even begin to explain how much I’ve grown from the experience. Would I still go back in time and not get involved with that person? Yes, absolutely. That would’ve saved me a lot of pain & heartache. But, you have to move forward with your experiences. You must turn that pain into power.
Pain isn’t fun. But it’s what we do with that pain that can make all of the difference.
If you are going through this kind of emotional pain, don’t give up on yourself & know that you are not alone. If you would like someone to talk to, I do offer 1:1 coaching and invite you to check out my opportunities if that is something that you would be interested in. Click here for more information on my 1:1 coaching opportunities! <3
I’m here for you & would love to support you in any way that I can!
>> click here to download my 5 tips for crushing your goals
>> click here to download my self care planning worksheet
>> click here to download my 50 journal prompts for self reflection & self discovery
Coach Jessie Shibko