Turning Pain into Power: Healing From Broken Love

This is a topic that I debated on writing about. Frankly, I wish I could delete the memory of this relationship & person from my mind forever and never speak of it again. I also didn’t want to be disrespectful to my current relationship in any way, so I kept putting off this blog topic. Then I came across this picture last week while scrolling on Instagram:

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This reminded me of what my ex-boyfriend used to tell me. Now I see this  picture and think “yeah, duh!” At this point, it doesn’t hurt anymore. But, I do know there are some women (& men) who are currently in an emotionally abusive relationship like I was. Maybe currently hearing these things from the person they love. Maybe someone is trying to muster up the courage to leave the relationship, or maybe they are trying to heal the open wounds of a breakup. I’m hoping that by me writing this & telling my story about how I moved forward might help someone that is going through a similar situation.

I’m here to tell you I know how painful it is & yes, you can find love again. The love that you deserve. It is possible to turn that pain into power.

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Here are some things this individual said to me:

“You’re too emotional.”

“I’m too busy.”

“My goals are bigger than your goals.”

I felt like I had to be better & do better. I constantly felt like I wasn’t enough & I had to do everything I could to make him happy. I was in this relationship when I was at the lowest, most depressed time in my life. I did not love myself and found “love” through him, I was pretty much dependent on the relationship. I was in denial about how toxic it truly was, kept blaming myself, thinking I was doing something wrong every single day.

Until he said something along the lines of this to me:

“We’re only together because you’re too emotional & I’m too busy to deal with it if we break up.”

That was the moment that it hit me that I did not want to be with this person. I wanted to respect myself more than to be with someone who treated me like trash. So, I initiated the break up, blocked his number & blocked him on all social media. I went from one day relying on him completely for my “happiness” to having to figure out how to love myself again. Let me tell you what, it was really freaking hard, but 2 years of healing & I am so happy I did it.

Everyone handles break ups differently, so it will look different for everyone. But, for me, I focused on myself & my friendships. This breakup was also when I realized that I had neglected my friendships for a year and a half for the most part. After feeling so lost and unhappy for so long, I really just wanted to find myself again & be truly happy.

I journaled.. A LOT. I went to counseling. I cried. A LOT.

What I had to learn was to let myself feel the emotion that came to surface at every moment. The rollercoaster of emotions every day, throughout the day was crazy. I would be doing homework & randomly felt like I had to cry. So I did. I think often we feel guilty for feeling this way. “You should be happy that you’re not in that situation anymore!” Well, yes. But the emotional damage is real & it doesn’t heal overnight.

My mom also told me “You don’t have to have everything figured out right now.” I didn’t feel ready to delete all of the pictures off my phone or give away the jewelry he got me. So, I approached those things when I was ready to deal with them. About 2-3 months after the breakup I deleted all the pictures off of my phone & completely cleared him off of my social media accounts. Now I’m selling the jewelry he got me! I think that piece of advice my mom gave me was very important. It is important to make sure you are dealing with certain things when you are ready to do so. That definitely helped me not feel completely overwhelmed.

If I could go back time, I would have never got in that relationship, knowing what I know now. It was an empowering thing to experience because now I finally understand my worth & I’m not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. Not to mention I finally found the love I deserve with such an amazing guy! There’s always a silver lining, even though it might not be obvious right away, or still hurts years later.

Finding Love Again


You will know when you are ready to jump back into the dating game again. But, what I wasn’t ready for was all of the emotions from my past to come back once I started again. I hadn’t felt those emotions in a LONG time, from when I was in the bad relationship. I could feel myself pulling back & naturally just wanting to retract, protect myself & not fall for the same mistake again. It was really hard, harder than I expected. It took a lot of time & patience for me to get to the point where I’m at now. I kept fighting for the relationship & have now been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half!

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Finding love again is possible. But, you have to fight for yourself first. You have to let yourself feel the pain, so you can grow and eventually turn that pain in power. Power over your own life & your own happiness. It’s hard & at times you might feel like giving up. It’s OK! You’re not alone & you are not “crazy” for feeling how you feel. You do what you need to do to get to where you need to be. It takes time & it takes patience. Most importantly, it takes choosing yourself over anything else first.

The most important thing that I got from this experience is my strength and power over my life. It taught me a lot of lessons and I can’t even begin to explain how much I’ve grown from the experience. Would I still go back in time and not get involved with that person? Yes, absolutely. That would’ve saved me a lot of pain & heartache. But, you have to move forward with your experiences. You must turn that pain into power. Pain isn’t fun. But it’s what we do with that pain that can make all of the difference.

I hope you found this to be helpful if you are going through a similar experience! If you are going through this kind of emotional pain, don’t give up on yourself & know that you are not alone. Feel free to reach out to be personally if you need any additional advice or guidance!

- Blissfully Jess2

 

 

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Time Management While Working From Home

Progression, not perfection.

I’ve always thought I had pretty good time management skills. I balanced a LOT of things while in college.. From regular school work, cheerleading practice, workouts, studying, work, etc., I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out, things are a little different when you are in the “real world”.

In college, you kind of have your schedule figured out for you, based on when you have class, practice, work, etc. When you have your own business & work from home, you have EVERYTHING to figure out on your own!

-Figuring out what is most important

-How long certain tasks will take

-What order to do the tasks in

-Where to even start?

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I very quickly realized that I had A LOT of trial and error to do. I had a lot of figuring out what will work for my schedule & won’t. It really sounds a lot easier that it really is! Working from home is great, but you have a lot of time to work with that you aren’t used to. Figuring out what to do & when can be tricky. But, I’m here to provide some insight into what I’ve learned to be helpful in my journey so far!

BRAIN DUMP!


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When I first started, I felt so overwhelmed with all that I felt like I had to do. I would sit down to do it, then have no idea where to even start. So, I found that by taking the time to just brain dump everything onto a piece of paper. I mean EVERYTHINGGGG.

I would even categorize everything.

From each client & their platforms- what is EVERYTHING that I need to do for each client?

What is everything I want to do for my business?

For my social media platforms?

What blog do I want to work on next?

         What do I want to talk about this week?

ORDER OF IMPORTANCE


What needs to be done ASAP vs what can wait a little bit? This is honestly easier said than done. It took some time to figure out what items were pressing & what items were not. Like I’ve mentioned, these things can take some time!

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU?


As we all are aware, everyone is different, which means the ideal schedule looks different for everyone.

For me, I know I work better first thing in the morning & tend to slow down as the day goes on. I like to get all the tasks that needs the most brain power from 7am-11am & save the other tasks to the afternoon/evening. I know my motivation starts slowing down from 11am-2pm, so I let myself take a break & do low energy things. Sometimes I will run some errands at this time, take my cat outside, check my social media accounts, as well as my clients. If I feel like I am having trouble concentrating in the afternoon, I’ll go to a coffee shop for a couple hours to get some work done. I recently realized that I like to work on my blog at the end of the day, because writing is always a form of self-care for me.

Everyone is different & our schedules will vary from person-to-person. Starting your own business & working from home is such an incredible experience. I felt so overwhelmed in the beginning because I just had no idea where to even start. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I had to do, but had no idea what I even had to do, let alone figure out where to begin.

Take it day-by-day. You will continue to learn what works best for you as time goes on. It’s important to allow this adjustment period & make adjustments when needed.

MOST IMPORTANT THING I LEARNED


Listen to your body! Know when you are feeling exhausted & burnt out. Truth is, overworking yourself will do more harm than good. Creative juices will stop flowing, you’ll get even more overwhelmed & exhausted.

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The turning point for me was the day I decided to let myself sleep in on a Wednesday. I went to bed at 9pm & woke up at 7:30am. I. Felt. Amazing. I remember waking up just feeling so refreshed, my mind was clear & I have been unstoppable ever since. There were so many ideas coming to my mind that I wanted to do with my business. It literally did not happen until I gave my body some TLC!

Bottom Line: Let yourself sleep in every once in a while. Give your body some TLC when you need it. Take a bubble path, go on a run, drink some wine, CHILL. OUT. Do whatever you need to do!

I hope you found these tips to be helpful! If you are starting your own business & working from home, feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I feel you. It’s a work in progress, I’m still working on it as well. But, we are here to support each other & provide as much guidance as possible!

- Blissfully Jess2

Why I’m not a fan of goal setting

Ah, goal setting. It’s something that we’ve always been taught as good practice & we all know that setting goals for ourselves is extremely important for continued success & personal growth.

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Truth is: I’m not a fan of goal setting. This is because I always have high expectations for myself, set big goals for myself, then perseverate on making sure I achieve those goals. Which seems all fine & dandy, but when I work myself to exhaustion & don’t even end up achieving those goals, it’s very disappointing. What I’ve learned along the way, is that you have to make sure you are setting the right goals for yourself & approaching them the right way. I never really thought there was a “right” or a “wrong” way to set goals. Goals are goals.. right?

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Going into 2018, I had so many big goals for myself. I’ve mentioned this before many, many times. If you haven’t already, feel free to read My journey from a struggling high school student to starting my own businessFirst month of entrepreneurship & Gaining confidence to be my true, authentic self! I  had no reason to believe I was not going to achieve all of them because they seemed completely reasonable & achievable. I ended up reaching NONE of my goals that I set for myself. None. I let the stress of constantly worrying about & stressing over achieving those goals that I kind of just let it control me. I let it completely take over everything, completely fogging my vision. Especially my happiness & mental health. The constant perseveration lead me on a long road to accomplishing nearly nothing.

Towards the end of 2018, I started thinking: “Why am I setting goals if I can’t achieve them?” Maybe I should just stop setting goals for myself because I just get down on myself when I don’t achieve them.” During this time, someone also said something to me that really got me thinking. “You are making goals that are not in your control. You need to break those goals down into smaller goals that are in your control.” Honestly, that makes so much sense. I have been focusing so hard on goals that are ultimately not in my control, like finding a job. That decision is ultimately not in my control, but the little things building up to that decision are in my control.  Seems like an obvious, but sometimes it takes a learning that for myself to really understand it.

Going into 2019, I knew that I had to make a change and approach my goals a little differently. It’s not that I didn’t want to set out to achieve anything, because there was so much that I still wanted to achieve. But, I didn’t want to go down the same path. Instead of setting concrete goals and setting “New Year’s Resolutions”, my main goal going into 2019 was: Achieve Happiness. I really just wanted to take everything that I’ve learned the last couple years, all the lessons learned & focus solely on making sure I’m happy.

It’s only April of 2019 & I’ve pretty much accomplished all of the goals I failed to achieve in all of 2018. I had set out to achieve all the things I wanted last year, but this year I didn’t put all the pressure on myself to achieve those things.

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I started seeing success when I just stopped letting my goals control my mind. I started achieving my goals when I shifted my focus away from constantly being worried about achieving those said goals. The goals were still there, but the stress & pressure on myself to achieve those goals were not. I wanted to let the universe do it’s thang and guide me to where I’m supposed to be. Take it one day at a time. Learn my lessons as I go. Adjust when I need to.

IT’S. WORKING.

I have taken the stress off of myself to achieve all those “big” goals. Instead of focusing on a timeline and when I want to achieve those big goals, I’m taking it one day at a time. Believe it or not, big things are happening. Every day I am learning about new opportunities & I’m growing more than I ever knew I could without constantly being worried about “goals”.

Some might think that focusing on happiness, rather than setting concrete goals might be me being naïve to the realities. But, sometimes you have to make adjustments when things aren’t working. My goals weren’t working for me, so what’s the best thing to do when something isn’t working? Try something else.

At the end of the day, we all need to be setting goals for ourselves. They are great & it feels great when you achieve them. Goals themselves are great, but the stress & pressure on ourselves is not. Those big goals are still there and I know that I will achieve them when it’s time. For now, I’m focusing on one day at a time, focusing on the tasks that I’m in control of in the present moment.

When you focus on what you are in control of, it opens your eyes to a whole new world of opportunities!

- Blissfully Jess2